"Where in the World is Jeff Thomas?"

By A Bunch of Real Lookers

Believe it or not, jeffthomas.com has registered more than 400,000 total hits since its humble beginnings in December 2000.  Most have been from family, friends and the occasional good-natured cyber-stalker.  The remainder came from folks who did keyword queries at search engines like Google, Yahoo! and MSN Internet Search.  It's this last group that concerns me most.

Search engines are programs that look through Web pages for specified keywords or phrases and return a list of the documents where the keywords were found.  But problems arise because subtleties of context are lost.  Here, we dedicate ourselves to those times when search engines go wrong! 

Join me for a look at actual keywords that have been used at search engines to find this site, offering a glimpse into the twisted psyches of our fellow jeffthomas.com visitors: 

Lost in Cyberspace
"Yeah, that's all fine ... but where the heck are the SOCK MONKEYS!?"
—typical jeffthomas.com visitor

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Cable Nudes Network

Girls! Girls! Girls!"Looking for love in all the wrong places" best describes the vast majority of misguided jeffthomas.com visitors.  I only wish that my site featured the kinds of girlie-show content that their search words indicate.  Well, some of it anyway.

Lovelorn Web surfers were in search of:

Beautiful girls beach wallpaper, cheesecake pictures gallery, big jugs gallery, fat girl gallery, glamour chicks, pictures of 2 girls kissing, pictures of deformed chicks, redhead gallery, sexy girl in hard hat, sexy snake girl gallery, swimsuit models, the female back, and tiny girl gallery.
It's the naked truth that nudity is big business on the Web.  With a seemingly endless number of easy-to-find adult-content sites catering to specialty tastes, it's hard to imagine any fetish left unfulfilled.  That's why it's hard not to feel sorry for the poor lost souls who have somehow turned to jeffthomas.com for their skin fix.

Imagine their disappointment when they didn't find this content:

Friends caught in the shower naked, librarian sex, my wet T-shirt pictures, naked beach volleyball pictures, naked people at the beach, Naked Mile 2002 photos, and naked old grandmas. 

A Family Affair

Wild Kingdom

Checking into the search inquiries that referenced the family tree, things started out on a bright spot: I saw that someone found this site whilst in search of "a mother's thrill of a lifetime."   But it was quickly downhill from there.

Falling into the "don't you even think about my mother in that way" category are the ultimately dissatisfied jeffthomas.com visitors who were looking for:

Hot Mom magazine, mom and her sexy family, pictures of mom in sexy nightgown, seducing mom with kisses, grandma tickle, and sexy grandpa.
What a Crock!Having successfully diverted media attention during my stint as an alligator wrestler in the Florida Everglades, I have managed to remain popular with animal enthusiasts everywhere.

Web surfers who were looking for animal-related content came to jeffthomas.com via the following keywords:

Geico Insurance gecko picture, giant gecko pictures, groundhog treats, jackass desktop wallpaper, Les Nessman turkey, pictures of deformed creatures, and the always-popular sock monkeys.

Hollywood's A List

Huh???

Three's a crowd!While the rest of the online world is looking up Jennifer Lopez, Pamela Anderson, and Angelina Jolie, the jeffthomas.com visitor has decidedly more discerning tastes.

These stars and star-related keywords led celebrity stalkers to jeffthomas.com:

Charles Nelson Reilley, Deney Terrio pictures, Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year, Donnie and Marie Osmond, Harry Hamiln, Jeff Gordon's haircut, Madonna's maternity photos, Nipsey Russell, Soupy Sales, Valerie Bertinelli, and Vanna White.
Finally, there are those search results that just leave you scratching your head out of confusion—or, in at least a couple of cases, holding your stomach from nausea.

Heaven help our jeffthomas.com brothers and sisters who used the following keywords to light the way:

Barn raisers pictures, bed bouncing gallery, big machinery, big sexy Greg, "could not perform" fixation, fashionable maternity wear, gained 100 pounds picture, girls gong wild, Gremlins 2 pictures, how to host a clambake, how to survive the naval academy, insane gallery, librarian stereotype, licking party, masochistic pictures, naughty wedding gallery, wrestling hold gallery, and pictures of parachute pants.

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