Never has the world
been in such dire need of a good catch phrase — one with the spirituality of
George Lucas' "May The Force be with you", the 'take no prisoners' attitude of
Clara Peller's "Where's the Beef?" and the cultural solidarity that can be
gleaned from Mork from Ork's "Nanu, Nanu." Yes, people, the bar must be
set that high.
That is why, as we stand at this historic crossroads, I call for the catch phrase of the
new millennium to be ...
|
Charles
Bronson and me, after the 79-year-old "Death Wish" star beat me to within an
inch of my life for plastering his name all over my Web site. |
"I'm Charles Bronson!"
Say it loud. Say it with feeling. "I'm Charles Bronson!"
Doesn't it just feel right?
"I'm Charles Bronson" is best explained as in this way: Today, I'm
Charles Bronson.
Why? Well, I'm Charles Bronson for being bold enough to
call for a catch phrase that will unite all people. In doing so, I'm also Charles
Bronson for defining my own rules, for standing strong in the face of sure ridicule, and
— if I am successful — I am Charles Bronson for accomplishing a feat
that is worthy of History Channel coverage. Or a short segment on that E!
station, at least.
"I'm Charles Bronson!"
It's already sounding better than "Is that your final
answer?" or "Yadda. Yadda. Yadda," don't you
think?
And consider this: "I'm Sylvester Stallone " and "I'm Arnold
Schwarzenegger " don't work. Ditto for "I'm Van Damme" and
"I'm Steven Seagal before he gained 100 pounds." Those guys simply aren't real
— they're just too pretty. But anyone
with a fire in his soul can be Charles Bronson, that mangy everyman who kicked butt well
into his golden years in a series of five fine "Death Wish" movies.
The first guy to clone a sheep, he's Charles Bronson. Jessie "The Body"
Ventura is Charles Bronson, too, for leveraging a pro wrestling career to become governor
of Minnesota. For good dental hygiene and for raising the profile of The Church Of
Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Donnie and Marie Osmond are a little bit
country, a little bit rock 'n roll and a whole lot Charles Bronson. And
there are Charles Bronsons every small community, from Amish barn raisers to grown men who
dedicate their spare time to the Boy Scouts of America without having sick, ulterior
motivations. All that we have to do is show some dedication and have some intestinal
fortitude, and we are all Charles Bronson. It's just that
simple. So let us proclaim it once again, proudly, and in unison ...
|
After
unsuccessful attempts in 1974, 1982, 1985 and 1987, Mr. Bronson finally grants my wish
for a photograph while touring to promote 1994's "Death Wish V: The Face Of
Death." * |
"I'm Charles Bronson!"
As jeffthomas.com gains popularity, my dream is for all of the little children of
the world to hold hands, saying in harmony, "I'm Charles Bronson!"
To me, it would be more beautiful than the Coca-Cola commercial that taught the world to
sing and even the popular "Hands Across America" fund-raising crusade of my own
youth.
And on the joyous day that a Nobel Prize winning physician discovers a way to successfully
thaw beloved children's entertainer Walt Disney from his cryogenic sleep, I fully expect
that doctor to exclaim ...
"Holy #*%& !!!"
[But we'll know what he's really thinking.] |
